Lord of the Rally

Note: still on vacation but I’m giving you some re-runs from years past that were published someplace other than here. If you didn’t see them at the time, then it’s new to you! This is a piece that I first published on Twitter (RIP sort of) in February 2020, as an exercise in channeling a very particular voice for laughs. Maybe you can guess which voice.

It’s a silly piece and a common thing for me when I’m in a silly mood, which is to take a thing and then filter it through Lord of the Rings to see what comes out. In this case, the thing actually got praise from none other than Cory Doctorow, so to that I say damn, OK, thanks Cory Doctorow1, excuse me while I brag about it.

Folks we’ve got this ring, a very great ring and some say it’s the One Ring, made by Elves, you’ve got elves and then High Elves, which is the best quality, elfwise, and they made this ring to bind them all, and it binds them; it binds so well. Even in the darkness, it binds. Anyway I sold it to Isengard.

And Saruman is here tonight. Saruman is great among the wise folks, and he’s been good, he’s said some very nice things about me, unlike low-power pathetic liar Mithrandir, a very sad person! Saruman the White!—which I like. The White. No other colors in there. The yellow eye it burns us, folks. It burns.

Ungoliant killed the two trees, folks. Everyone blames me, but never mind. A very low-quality individual, Ungoliant. I don’t know her but the bards all lie. They lie, the bards, they say I know her. I invited her to Ezellohar and she did some very nasty things, and she tried to drain me and my balrogs and she committed many crimes, and frankly many what were possibly violations of the Great Music, and we're looking into it, and we’re finding out many surprising things.

Baggins is a thief, believe me. A filthy thief. He asks me ‘what’s it got in its pockets.’ How would I know? I don’t know his pockets. I’ve never seen his pockets. A nasty hobbit, folks, and we hates him, don’t we? He stole the precious, but we’ll get it back. We’ll get it.

It’s very terrible what they did to Grima Wormtongue, perhaps the greatest most unfair witch hunt since the Numenorians smote Morgoth and threw him down from his fastness and the earth did tremble at his fall. The Numenorians come from over the sea, most people don’t know that. They aren’t from around here, folks. They had an island and they sank it, and it’s very terrible what they did to Mordor, some very unfair things.

We should be friends with Mordor. Mordor has very fine people, folks. Everyone’s always saying ‘oh Mordor Mordor’ —I don’t know Sauron. I’ve never met him. I’m not in thrall to his dread palintir. No thrall. No thrall. You’re the thrall.

And then you have Wacky Tom Bombadil ... the Ring affects him not, folks, it affects him not, and he heeds not its lore.

I know ring lore like you wouldn’t believe, much that is hidden even from the wise, perhaps more even than Ilúvatar. I know that the ring is being found, perhaps as soon as next week, I have nine of the best people in the Shire, and they cannot believe what they're finding.

We have Hobbits coming into the Riddermark, folks, and they’re awakening the tree-people, and they’re smoking the pipe-weed, and eating second breakfasts, third breakfasts, your breakfasts, your children’s breakfasts, they’re bad bad folks, and Shifty Strider, he loves ‘em. He’s the lost king and many people are saying a false king, and many in Gondor didn’t want him. Where are the votes?

We’re going to build a wall around Gondor, folks. A big white beautiful wall. And Rohan’s going to pay for it. Osgiliath didn’t have a wall—now look. Mordor has a wall. The Dark Lord has a beautiful wall.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING IN MIRKWOOD??

Mithrandir, a very low-power individual, who asks questions just to feel big. I don't know the answers, OK? The ring was a birthday present, It was a birthday present, believe me, and it's mine, and I've had far bigger birthday presents before. I don't know anyone named Deagol.

Fëanor, son of Finwë, King of the Noldor, is an example of somebody who's done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more. We all appreciate his contributions, and we're looking into him, and we're looking very strongly. Nobody was talking about him before me.

We've got great strong people at the border, and they're doing a very tremendous job. We've got trolls, Men of Harad, orcs riding wargs, and Mûmakil—oliphaunts! We love the oliphaunts, don't we. Huge. Very impressive. Let's hear it for the Easterlings of Rhun, folks.

It's time to FINISH THE WALL! And we're going to have spiders in the wall, and they're gonna be older than the first stone of Barad-dûr; and they'll serve none but themselves, drinking the blood. Hobbits are coming over, folks, and they simply walk into Mordor. They simply walk. They ask leave to enter Lórien, but Mordor they just walk in.

They call it Lórien, and it’s kept safe from darkness by the Ñoldor. They’re tremendously great among the fair, and abide among the mallorn. The far-left socialist Galadriel won’t use the ring Nenya—she has it, she doesn’t use it.

There goes Caras Galadhorn! ANOTHER MIRKWOOD!

Galadriel, a really nasty individual. A very sick woman. They call her 'lady of the woods' but she's no lady, believe me. She's said some terrible things about me. She keeps Nenya the ring of power, but she won't say where. If it were me, they'd gather the 7 armies, but never mind.

I can’t believe we occupied Moria and didn’t take the mithril. When we go back, we're gonna take the mithril. Believe me, we'll take it.

Last time I was here, this orc came up —a big guy, very tough, like out of central casting, handsome, could’ve been a fighting Uruk-hai—and he’s crying, weeping, he says ‘sir, thank you for the meat.’ Incredible. He hadn’t had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days.

Ents. I don't even know. Ents. Very dumb people. They're looking for Entwives. Where did they go? They don't know. What did they look like? They can't say. How long ago was it? Don't know. They lost the Entwives. Boo hoo hoo and hoom hoom hoom. "IT'S A TOTAL HOAX!

I'll get the ring, folks, don't worry. I'll do it. I am seeking, it, seeking it. All my thought are bent on it—and I have the very best thoughts, a very high IQ individual, perhaps the best ever in terms of thought. I need only it to COVER MIDDLE AMERICA IN A SECOND DARKNESS!

A.R. Moxon is the author of The Revisionaries, which is available in most of the usual places, and some of the unusual places, and is co-writer of Sugar Maple, a musical fiction podcast from Osiris Media which goes in your ears. He’s a fool of a Took.